Sexual Orientation Issues

Here's a typical client of mine: Over 45, married to or divorced from a woman, father of one or more kids and often also a granddad.

When he was young, he may have sometimes found himself attracted to another male, but convention of the times was to repress those feelings, then, hurry to get married to a female.

Now, 25 to 50 years later, he wonders how different his life would be today if in his twenties he had realized: "I might be gay; perhaps I shouldn't get married and have kids right now."  

In virtually every case, there is no regret for having had kids. And likewise, there is always the point that they love their wife and wouldn't want to hurt her or the kids. Rarely am I the first experience that a man has which makes him decide he is gay.  But more than once I've been the pivotal person to watch his self-realization and actualization as bi or gay.

Frequently it's an accumulation of pent up desire that has been fed by the internet, photo images or personal associations. Or he is starved for physical affection because he and his wife no longer have frequent and/or satisfying sex with each other. 

He doesn't know if he's gay, but to find out, he'd rather go to someone older and more experienced in these issues; someone like Bob Patrick.

Sometimes it's just a desire to satisfy his curiosity about being naked with another man, touching him and being touched. Occasionally I'm the test for a guy to try to see if he likes men; if he doesn't nothing lost. If he does, something found.  Then, what to do with this new knowledge and experience?

If he's decided that he's bisexual, or even gay, he may also long to be with someone with maturity and knowledge about man-to-man emotional and physical relationships.

He may also come to me at a time in life when he's realized he's gay but doesn't know where to go to meet other men, or has been frustrated in his attempts so far. He wants to avoid danger, entrapment, scandal, disease, drunks, drugs and drama.

Occasionally there are deep feelings of curiosity, apprehension, regret, frustration over "wasted time."  There's fear that it's too late in life to come to these realizations because we live in a youth-oriented society that undervalues older men.

Or there may be great waves of joy as he's finally comfortable exploring a side of himself he always kept hidden from others, and even from himself.

Young men in their late teens, twenties and even thirties may still be trying to decide "am I straight, gay, bi, what?"   That question is much more challenging for older men who have lived most of their lives either in the closet, in denial or in simple ignorance.

Clearly, we have a lot to work on during our hour together. But usually men leave my presence amazed at how far we travel in those 60 minutes and how much better they feel when they leave my embrace.

Bob Patrick